Busy day today, for reasons that should be obvious when you take into account that I:
- Am in the USA.
- Date these entries the day after I write them.
So, I'm kind of zapped, and trying get this done quick so I can relax more. I figured I'd try to edit the poem a little. Let's see what I can fix, and what I'll have to come back to later.
- Replaced "lapse" with "collapse"
- Removed a "forsake"
- "From" in thirteenth stanza
- Replaced "almost" with "practically" (er, "practic'ly")
Unfortunately, I'm probably not going to get much farther on the list below, because I just tried reading this all out loud, and the second stanza just... doesn't scan, like, at all. So, I'm going to end up with some new tasks.
Still need to figure out:
- Start of second stanza does not scan
- Start of fourth stanza isn't great in that respect either
- The whole eighth stanza is a wreck
- Ninth stanza isn't much better
- The tenth stanza just straight up has an extra syllable???
- The twelfth stanza is super weird, but I'm not sure that's a problem
- Something seems off about the thirteenth stanza, but I can't tell what
- The same thing with the eighteenth stanza
- Similar, but not as bad in the nineteenth stanza
- Something just kills the momentum in the twentieth stanza
- Potential clarity issue in the second-last stanza
- And another in the last stanza
- Replacing "health" with "healing"
- The beginning of the speech
- "then"/"kin", and for that matter, "home"/"down", and "clashed"/"lash". Maybe some way to get it to "clash"... "then"/"in", "in"/"mend"
- End of eighth stanza
- Ninth stanza
- Still not sure what the deal is with "storm'd"
- Last line of twenty-sixth stanza
- "Sore" in twenty-seventh stanza
- Too much "struck"/not enough parallelism
- General awkwardness in the twenty-ninth through thirty-third stanzas
Okay, that's enough work. I could try to do more, but I don't want to, so I won't.